So you’ve met this great man who seems like a lot of fun, but you can’t help having doubts. “God, I hope that this guy is a man and not the dreaded man-boy,” you think to yourself. You know how man-boys are: they’re the guys who show up on dates, dressed a little on the boyish side. Maybe he wore jeans that were a tad outdated. Maybe he sported a pair of running shoes on his feet. Or perhaps he actually wore a ball cap on a lunch date. It’s always fun at first, but if you overlook it, you’ll find that a month into the relationship, he’s still drinking with buddies every Saturday night instead of spending time being romantic with you. No one wants to end up there, so here are some ways to tell you’re dating a man-boy:
1. He has roommates past the age of 30: Any man over 30 who still lives with a roommate is simply afraid to give up his college lifestyle. He still likes the idea of living in a mini-fraternity: even without all of his friends, he still has a brotherhood of at least one. He might say he’s just saving money, but it’s more likely that he doesn’t want to grow up, which will keep him from important parts of adult life like commitment.
2. He’s a mama’s boy: This guy’s the worst, but luckily he’ll expose himself immediately. Even on the first or second date, he’ll tell you that he spoke to his mom about you. Whoa! Put the brakes on, man-boy, we don’t even know each other yet. Throughout your partnership, he’ll be constantly seeking validation and approval from his mother. Keep a look out for men like this: they’ll constantly be comparing you to their mothers, and you’ll never be able to measure up.
3. He doesn’t have a plan: A true man-boy will lack focus in many ways. Does your beau always tell you about the things he wants to do, but never actually does them? Does he have any specific ambitions? If he still seems confused about his career and life path by age 30, it’s pretty likely that he’s a man-boy: not the sort of guy with whom you want to connect. Find a man who at least has a game plan, and you’ll find the relationship will go much better.
4. He still wants to be a weekend warrior: The fourth and final thing about man-boys is that they can never give up a weekend night. They’re constantly drinking with their fellow man-boy buds. Sure, a man-boy will set dates with you, but even then he’ll wind up talking about his friend Jim’s barbeque. Or worse, he’s talking about a man-boy’s favorite pastime: the strip club. This guy can never give up his plans, which rarely involve you. If he can’t skip watching the game for a night with you, he’s not worth your time.
You deserve to meet a manly man—a man who’s ready to break away from the pack and get to know you on a deeper level. Avoid the man-boy and pursue the real man.
You know… so many “gotta have someone…anyone!” daters have this stench about them and as my friend Will states, “The scent of desperation is one stinky stinky perfume.”
Someone getting a nose-full of desperation can kill your chance of a second date before you even get to goodnight. Sometimes its hard to smell yourself coming but watch out for the following three things and you may keep yourself out of the desperation skunk patch…
Stink Factor #1: low self-esteem. If you don’t believe you are a catch, and you really really want someone else to think you are one… its not gonna work. Believe you are a catch and act in that belief and you’ll suddenly find yourself attracting more attention than you know what to do with.
Stink Factor #2: The “Must Have Someone” Syndrome. If you are on the hunt for you+me+baby makes three… you are going to seriously freak out most people who want to get to know someone first. Be ok with being alone. Sometimes being alone can be one of the sweetest times in your life. Enjoy your time in between relationships and bask in the time to focus on your own stuff (cause you really aren’t going to have that luxury when baby makes three!)
Stink Factor #3: The Up Selling Approach. Do you feel like you have to add sex or money or status to the plate in order to attract a mate? A pretty stinky approach. Especially since it will attract stinkers in return. Take a moment to figure out who you are apart from your “trappings” and focus on what you really value about yourself. Unless you are a playboy millionaire and know that you want pure sex and nothing else — then work it baby and enjoy that Gold-digger flavah.
How to smell sweet again? First, realize your own worth. That smells sweeter than any perfume. Second remember that you don’t HAVE to be with someone to be happy — get happy in your own right and you will be a lot happier in relationship. And lastly, wait for the wow factor. Choose someone because you respect and love them and they WOW you, not because you are stinky desperate to not be alone anymore.
Let me paint you a picture here. A boy and a girl have been dating for several months. They have also been doing the deed. The L word has been completely absent up until this point. One day, casually in conversation (about body image, if that’s relevant) the boy says “I absolutely love the way you look.” The girl blinks, but thinks nothing more. A few days later during a conversation about decidedly naughty things together, the boy says “I love our time together.” Th girl blinks again, and thoughts fly.
Few things are so loaded as the word “love” when you’re with a member of the opposite sex. It is often entirely avoided. It is occasionally used to test the waters. And admittedly sometimes it is thrown around because someone doesn’t understand the strength of it. In my not so humble experience, it is often regarded as a freaky mine field by the female mind.
Here is a little guide for the boys, in case you didn’t already know.
You most definitely can use it too soon and freak us out. This usually occurs more often as we get older and more cautious. It is also directly related to how googly-eyed we are over you. However in the wrong situation, it can cause immediate fleeing.
You can also most definitely use it too late. We will eventually get tired of you being deeply in like with us and we will also flee.
We reserve the right to over-analyze your use of this word at all times. Be aware that any time it is dropped into conversation in any relation to us, we will probably kick into overdrive. Let me demonstrate. “I love the Red Sox” will not make us blink. “I love our time together” makes us wonder if you are trying to tell us something else. We will then poke this situation from every angle, ask for advice from multiple people, and generally rip our hair out until you find a way to rectify this problem.
The only solution to the above dilemma that will actually stop the hair pulling is to tell us you love us.
And finally, much like we want you to ask us out and we want you to pick up the check, we want you to say it first. Most of us have put ourselves out on the line more than once and gotten the curt “Thank you” or worse yet “That’s nice”. We realize you may have too. But in our little girly hearts, we still want you to take the leap. Chances are if you are stable (as in not psycho), we have been dating for a while, and things are still going well? We will answer you with something that isn’t going to make you secretly want to vomit.
As with any dating rules, there will be exceptions. But for the most part, the L word is to be used with great caution and the complete understanding that we will pick apart any conversation in which it appears. Please proceed with caution, ok?
I would love to see the male counterpart to this conversation.
For the record, yes I am participating in the general crazy making at this time. I would like to imagine that I’ve been restrained about it. I would also like to imagine that the whole scenario is indicative of a deep and lasting feeling Mr. Big has for me. Unfortunately, I cannot allow myself to imagine that or the crazy making will deepen. So I am generally trying to ignore it. Mostly. Sort of.
What If The Situation Was Reversed And Men Were Unapproachable?
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What if the situation was reversed and men were the ones who were opposed to meeting women in public? What kind of excuses would men use to avoid meeting women in public? Using the same excuse format women use, along with exaggerated statistics and focusing on the negative, I came up with a hypothetical excuse list that men would use:
• When I'm out somewhere I'm too busy to make small talk with some chick who wants to chat. I got better things to do than hook up with some random slut. For all I know she's on the rebound and she's got some jealous ex lurking around the corner. I don't need the trouble!
• I'm just protecting myself from bitches and gold diggers who only care about my wallet. Just because I dress well and look good in a suit that doesn't mean I automatically want to take some chick out to an expensive dinner.
• I just don't want to deal with some chick who maybe has kids and is looking for a father who also doubles as Mr. Money Bags. You hear so many stories of men being taken to the cleaners in a divorce, or men being wrongfully charged with sexual assault. How do I know that the minute sex is over she won't call the cops and file a phony rape charge? I'm just protecting my interests.
• I've had plenty of bad experiences with women and their cockblocking friends, women who pretend to like you just to get free drinks, and women who just think they are all that. So if I come across as unapproachable to some chick I think I've earned that right.
The Asymmetry Of Risk Assessment And Male Willingness
Looking at the above ridiculous list you can see that there is not much difference between it and the excuses women currently use to avoid meeting men in public. It's a matter of bias and what you choose to focus on. Also enlightening is the fact that there are many more female gold diggers than male rapists but you don't hear men using that as an excuse to not meet women.
The fact is that men are very aware of the odds against them based on direct feedback from unapproachable females, but are still much more willing to approach anyway, at least until the reality finally hits them that it's a total waste of time and energy. But women, on the other hand, are risk averse and mostly rely on hearsay and whatever bad things they heard about men in the media to avoid meeting them, such as exaggerated rape statistics disseminated by the liberal media. But even given this very small (yet non-zero) risk why not just meet the guy in a public place and assess first hand what he is like, rather than exclude ALL possibility of anything happening by refusing to even take a chance in BROAD DAYLIGHT to go out with him. It's like refusing to go to a job interview because there's a chance the employer could turn out to be a sexual harasser. But in this cold economic-centric city jobs are naturally spun in a positive light so it's a non issue.
The Cultural Intolerance And Double Standard
Furthermore, women in this city are very intolerant of male behaviour that is considered acceptable in other (less feminized) parts of the world. For example, looking at women here would be labeled as lewd staring. Incidental touching, like on a crowded subway, would be considered groping. And the occasional rude behaviour from a stranger man would be proof definite that all stranger men must be treated as potential perverts and avoided at all cost. You would think women here would learn to be socially astute so that they can differentiate the good from the bad. It's called life skills. But they have no interest in actively learning how to pick out the good from the bad where men are concerned, and instead prefer the one size fits all, throw the baby out with the bathwater approach to men and dating. And in spite of all this, women still tell guys that they should continue to carry themselves as gentlemen and keep trying to meet women, while at the same time not doing anything themselves to make it any easier for men. It's completely retarded and a form of mental illness, not that different from the tea-party rhetoric in crazy-town USA.
But anyway, I don't really have much more to say on this topic. This is my 100th post and I've said plenty already on this blog. Toronto women, at least the ones who are at least somewhat attractive, are not worth the effort to try and meet out in public. They're past the point of no-return on the delusion scale. So go out of town if you want to meet better women, or better yet go abroad to get a real feel for what real women are like, women who focus more on the positive aspects of men rather than the negative.
